727.

On Thursday it will be two years.

Two years since I've heard Sean's voice.  
Two years since I've felt his arms around me.
Two years since I've brushed crumbs from his beard.

Two years since he's come up behind me and rubbed his nose on my shoulder while he pulled me close.
Two years since I've smelled his scent on our sheets in our bed.
Two years since he's said "I love you."

Two years that have lasted forever and a day, and a moment all at once.

Today is day 727.  

Because last year was a Leap Year I was given a bonus day of grief.  One extra day to miss, mourn and grieve my husband.

Over the summer I made a decision that was not easy to make.  I had until September 4 to change my mind, which is why I didn't say anything to many people.  I've told a few, but for the most part I kept it to myself.

On day 731 I am getting on a plane (my first solo plane ride) and heading south to Duval St. and spending 4 days in Key West.  I am bringing Sean to the place he was happiest.  The place we were happiest.

I am keeping a promise I made him, one I never dreamed I would have to keep so soon.

I feel scared and nervous and sad and at peace all at the same time, if that makes any sense at all.

When I did mention my trip to people, those I told offered to come with me.  Each offer was appreciated, and part of me wanted to say yes.  But a bigger part knew that this is something I need to do alone.  I need to be there without him.  I need to find my inner peace and discover KW alone.  I need to find out if I will be able to go back.  I know the longer I stay away, the harder it will be to go back.  I've said that before, and this week I will take those steps, up and down the beautiful streets - streets we walked together, hand in hand, happily in love with each other and with our life together.  I will see the sunrise at Southernmost and watch it set in Mallory Square.  I'll greet the day with my favorite con leches.  I'll do my usual daily trip to Books and Books to see if Judy Blume is there (with my own copy of Are You There God, It's Me, Margaret? tucked in my bag...just in case.)  I'll have dinner at Cafe Sol.  I'll buy my big cookie (ok fine - many cookies - don't judge) at Mattheessen's.

I'll spend time thinking of all the happy memories I made there with My Favorite.  And I'll leave a part of him there, so he's always in the place that made him happy.

Each person travels their journey in grief in a different way.

Each loss is personal. 

The loss of a parent, child, friend and spouse are all gut wrenchingly painful, but each painful walk along the trail of loss. hurts in it's own way.  I have lost friends, a parent and a spouse (not that this is a competition) and each pain felt different. I can't relate losing my husband to the loss of a child - although I believe that those are probably the two that us destroy the most.  But I do know that the pain of both is consuming and overwhelming.  There are thoughts, thoughts that no one wants to speak out loud, of things we can do that we think will take the pain away.  Things we can do to dull the pain.  

I've had the thoughts.  I've tried to dull the pain.  

It doesn't work.

The pain, sadly, will always be with us. But we learn to smile again.  Slowly at first.  Then it comes more naturally to us.  We laugh.  That first laugh feels like a betrayal.  But we laugh.  Some of us even start dancing in our kitchens with our dog again.

But it all starts with steps.  Little ones.  And those little ones lead to bigger ones.

Like the steps I will be taking on day 731.

To keep a promise. 

And to find myself.