Now and Then.

I love The Beatles.  

My husband loved them, too.  He would fluctuate between naming "Magical Mystery Tour" and "The Beatles" (the White Album) as his favorite, but I've always been an Abbey Road kind of girl.  Most of the world knows they broke up less than 10 years into their career.  And then, years later, John was shot, and later on, George died of cancer...And the possibility of any new music from them seemed impossible.

He took me to see Paul McCartney in 2017.  It was my first time seeing him in concert and it was an incredible show.  I walked down the aisle to "Maybe, I'm Amazed" and we even tossed the idea of using "I Will" as our first dance song when we got married.  We could talk for hours about this band, and did.  When we went to the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, we both were a little choked up when we saw the Beatles memorabilia.  He even ordered Disney+ so we could watch the Get Back movie that was released two years ago.

About two weeks ago (give or take a few days), a Beatles song (Now and Then) was released.  The week before the fact that there was a new (and final) Beatles song coming, made the news and my immediate reaction was to text him and tell him.  

And I started to, but then I remembered.  Like I remember about half a moment after I start to wake up. (There's a tiny millisecond right before I'm fully awake that I forget that I'm waking up alone...it's the most peaceful time of my day and it lasts shorter than an eyelash.)

And that one hit hard.  As in, tears kind of hard.

I didn't listen to the song for several days.  I don't know why I equated the final Beatles song to losing my husband, but I did.  I finally listened the other day.  I listed a few times.  And I knew exactly how he would react.  He'd feel the emotional punch of hearing a new Beatles song, and then he'd declare it was "ok".  But then, after a few days of listening, because that's what he did, he'd come around and say it was good.  And we would debate and discuss the song, because that's what we did.

And I thought about that as I listened and I got so angry that he wasn't here to do that with me.

And I cried because I felt guilty that I heard this song, alone, without him.

"Now and then, I miss you...Oh now and then I want you to be there for me, always to return to me..."

No more Beatles songs.

No more sweet harmonies.

No more Husband.

Life can be pretty cruel and pretty fucking unfair.