Parkers and Pie.

There's no widow instruction manual.

There's blogs, articles, books and support groups (both social media and real ones), but there's no "handbook for the recently widowed", and there probably should be.  That thing would clean up.  

And, ya know, help people.

I'm saying this because I had no idea how hard these days were going to be.  I knew it wasn't going to be easy, but this is a whole new level of hard.  Yesterday, I woke up crying.  We were supposed to be boarding a plane, but, instead, I was sitting on the floor next to my dresser.  Alone.  All day I thought about what we would be doing if Sean was here.  There were ugly tears and lots of tissues.  I tried to go about my day doing what needed to be done, but there were a lot of cry breaks.

Today hasn't been much better.

My favorite Christmas movie is A Christmas Story.  I have loved it since I first saw it and wait, every year, for the 8pm airing on TBS.  And then I keep it on for the entire 24 hours.  In Key West, Sean made sure that our hotels had a tv so I could watch it.  He would turn the tv so I had the best view of it from our bed.  And, as I found out when we got home from that first trip, he also set my and his DVRs to record it (the 8pm airing) just in case something happened and I couldn't watch it on vacation.  We would settle in, with the movie on tv, and a Key Lime Pie with two forks.

The years we were home, we did the same.  A Christmas Story at 8pm, watched from our bed (with Lexi RIGHT between us) and a Key Lime Pie with two forks.

The August before we got married, we took a road trip to Cleveland to visit the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame.  We were both ridiculously excited and didn't even mind the 20,000 hour drive through Pennsylvania.  We spent 10 hours walking through the museum, in awe of everything we saw.  When we returned to our hotel that night, Sean was talking to the concierge and came up to the room and told me we were only a 5 minute drive from The Christmas Story house and museum. 

The following day we drove over, and for the next few hours he indulged my love for that silly movie.  We did the tour and went through the museum and spent an hour in the gift shop.   Christmas of 2020 I finally convinced him to use A Christmas Story as our Christmas card.  He donned that pink bunny costume, I put on a pink bathrobe, and Lexi (poor little girl) had a puffy coat, hat and scarf and played the role of Randy to perfection.  

Last Christmas, as we sat in our bed watching the movie, eating our Key Lime Pie, I caught him watching me as Ralphie unwrapped his Red Ryder BB Gun.  I asked him why was he staring and he asked me how many times I had seen the movie.  I told him probably 30 or more times.  He said that when Ralphie unwrapped his gift, my breath caught and I started smiling, which he found to be adorable.  He said that even though I've seen it more times than probably anyone he knows, I still get excited for that scene and for that movie.  And that he loved that about me - how the simplest thing could bring me such joy.

Tonight I'm having dinner with my sister, brother in law and their family.  Another friend called an hour ago and invited me to join her family at her sister's house for dinner.  My neighbor came over earlier today to see if I would like to join them.  And I am so thankful to have people in my life who care like that.

Yesterday I drove around trying to find Key Lime Pie.  I found a single slice at Stop and Shop.

Tonight, after dinner, Lexi and I will sit in bed, watch our movie, and have some pie.  I'm sure there will be more tears, too.  Especially when Ralphie unwraps his gun.

Merry Christmas, my love.  I hope, wherever you are, there's pie and a tv tonight.