Through.

The sign of relief I let out was epic.

The way I dropped my hands to my knees and panted when I shut my front door behind me, you would have thought I had completed a jaunty run in the NY Marathon.  But, no.  Nothing that elaborate.

It was Christmas.
I survived my first "W word" Christmas.

The number of texts from friends asking me how it was, was staggering and I replied to them as honest as I could:

"It was much harder than I expected."

Because it was - on so many levels.

There was the waking up alone.
There was the going through the morning without surprising him with his gifts or having something special from breakfast (either French Toast casserole or, his favorite, creamed eggs on toast.)
There was seeing all the happy, loving, social media posts during the day.

And there was the day, surrounded by my family and loved ones; a day where I felt completely alone.

I mean, nothing like a major holiday to drive home that empty feeling and really make you feel alone.  I wasn't alone, though.  Not even close.  I had invitations, texts from friends in other states checking in, phone calls all day long.  I was the belle of the Christmas Ball with a full dance card.

But my dance partner was missing.

It's difficult to feel even a shred of happiness when the source of so much of my happiness is gone.

And, one thing I've learned in the past 100 days, is the only way to get through it is to get through it.

After Sean died, I made an appointment to see a grief counselor, and I joined a lot of FB groups for grief support and widows.  The counselor has been helpful - she's actually the one who encouraged me to start writing, and the groups on FB have been...interesting.  Especially right now.

I have read so many posts in the last week from women who don't know how to get through or who can't make any progress or who want to give up and join their person.  And while their feelings are understandable, at the same time it is so sad and frustrating to read.

So, you may be asking yourself, how exactly does one get through it?

Good question.  I asked my counselor the same thing.

First things first - make sure your big girl panties are firmly in place, as nothing can be accomplished without them. 

Second - make your boundaries known: "I'm coming, but understand that I reserve the right to leave at any time.  Even before dessert hits the table." or "As of now, yes, I will be there, but plans are subject to change at the last minute." (This was the advice of my counselor and it's actually been incredibly helpful.)

Third - when I feel that mental collapse on deck, I remind myself who Sean married and act like that girl.

I've mentioned this before, I think, but I'll say it again.  Sean hated seeing me upset and would go to any length possible to make sure it didn't happen. And he would be pissed as all sweet fuckery if he ever heard me talking about "joining him" in the afterlife before it was my time.  He told me once that I was the strongest person he knew.

So, that's what I think about when I feel like "getting through" is damn near impossible.

It doesn't mean I made it through the day without tears.  I cried more than a few times.  

It doesn't mean that I am ready to take on Christmas again.  Sweet Moses, sometimes I am just lucky to make it through a Tuesday.

It means that I got through it.  

And if I did it once, I can do it again.