Thoughts and Signs.

"Did it hurt?" 

When someone dies, it's natural (at least I assume it is) to have a million thoughts and wonders.

My first thought when Sean died was "did it hurt"?

I guess it's part of our human nature to wonder that when someone dies.  Especially if it's someone you love. 
And you watched it happen - helpless to stop it.

My other thoughts: "did he hear me?" "did he know?" and finally "what was his last thought?"

You do a lot of thinking when you can't sleep.

You hear "look for signs" a lot when a loved one dies.  I'm not a person who necessarily believes in that.  It has nothing to do with faith.  I actually have a very strong faith.  I don't have a lot of love for organized religion, but faith - I'm good there.

But I'm also a logic minded person, which some people find to be unusual for me.  I'm not quite sure why, but there have been more than a few raised eyebrows when I mention that.  So I don't always see "signs" as signs.  Mostly I see them as coincidences.

When my mom died, a few weeks later, I smelled baby powder in my home.  I don't use powder. 
Talc allergy. 
But mom did.  After her showers she would cover herself in it and walking into the bathroom after she finished was a big risk to a black clothes wearing girl like me.  After she died there was a week long period where I smelled it constantly in my home.  I have no logical answer as to why or how that smell was there, so maybe it was a sign.

Since Sean died, I have spent hundreds of hours wondering the above thoughts.  Did it hurt when it happened...did he hear me...was he scared....did he know what was happening...what was he thinking at the end?  I have had people tell me to look for signs.  I have had people assure me that he wasn't in pain or scared.

I have a very beloved friend who has a gift.  She freaked me out the first time she shared it with me.  I was sitting with her in a meeting and she turned to me and told me my mother wanted me to move my dirty sneakers from behind the couch and throw them out.  She's shared things with me over the years, not often, but enough to make me question my own logical brain,  She knows how I feel and how I struggle with the blending of faith and logic in my head. 

After Sean died she send me a text.  She told me he wants me to keep his fur coat.

She's told me he wants me to go back to having my cup of tea at night.

She's told me that he approved of my tattoo (before I even scheduled the appointment or told anyone what I was doing.)

She told me he knew what was happening, and that he heard me.

She's also writing things down so that when I'm ready, I can read what he's been saying to her.

Last week was my birthday and I was thinking of him in the car as I drove home from school.  In front of me was a car with a British Columbia license plate.  When I pulled into the driveway and shut off my podcast, Maybe I'm Amazed was playing on the radio.  Sean grew up outside of Vancouver - a city in BC.  Maybe I'm Amazed was the song I walked down the aisle to at our wedding.

Coincidence or sign?  

Whatever you chose to believe, and I still am not sure what I believe, both were a comfort.

And both made me smile.