Hugs.

"One day someone is going to hug you so tight. that all of your broken pieces will stick back together" - Anonymous

I've always loved this quote.  The first time I read it was years ago when I felt broken and didn't believe it would ever happen.

(And when I say broken, I mean smashed into pieces like ground up glass under the heel of someone's combat boot.)

But it did.  Sean made me feel whole after feeling broken for so long.  But it wasn't just him that did that- it took me a long time to feel like me again after feeling broken and took a lot of work.  

A lot.

But when I met Sean it was like that one last broken piece was put back into place.

I'm not a super huggy person.  I like my space.  I get a little nervous if I'm around too many people and if people are too close to me.  I don't give a lot of hugs but the ones I do give, I mean.  I hug the kids at school if they ask for one because I know it may be the only one they get that day.  I loved hugging my grandma because she was so damn huggable.  

And then came Sean.  He was always touching me - my back, holding my hand. Rubbing my arms.  He always seemed to be close enough so that he could just reach out and touch me - almost as if to reassure himself that I was there.

The night we met, when he hugged me goodbye, he hugged tight and told me I smelled good.  He thought he completely blew the moment and would mention that over and over again.  In our wedding vows he, again, told me how I always smelled good.  He would always breathe in deep when he hugged me over the years.

And then he was gone and the hugs stopped.
Everything stopped.

What no one tells you when you become a W (well, honestly, there is a LOT you aren't told - which is part of the reason I write what I write - so that if you do become a W, you've got a little head's up as to what is coming your way) is that the loss of touch in your world is noticeable and devastating.

In the beginning, at least for me, I was in such a fog that I didn't notice.  But then one day, out of nowhere, it hit me that it had been 17 days since Sean hugged me.

17.  That's a lot of days.  

I had to double check when I came to that realization, because, as I've said before, I'm not a math person.

But yep.

17.

And you betcha I cried when I figured that one out.

It's a hard thing to accept - that your person is never going to hug you again.  And for a non huggy person like me, you might think "eh - I'm ok with that."

Au, contraire.  I am so not ok with that.

It's hard when you go from someone who is constantly being hugged and touched to having nothing.  And don't get me wrong - Lexi does snuggle in sometimes, but it's not the same.

And sometimes it's not even the fact that Sean isn't here - I mean it is but it's more than that - it's that disconnect you start to feel when your person is gone.  That weird wandering around feeling that starts to set in, like you aren't sure where you belong or what you are supposed to do.  You feel empty. numb, confused and just dazed.  You know there are things that have to be done, but it's overwhelming and you decide to just sit on the couch to get it together and then, all of a sudden realize, half your Sunday is gone, the laundry is still in the basket and the vacuum is where you left it when you took it out 4 hours ago.

And that's when it hits you - you need a hug to get your mind back in the game.

Over the winter I had dinner with a friend I hadn't seen in a long time.  As we were leaving we hugged goodbye and then he decided a second hug was needed.  And it was.  And for a brief moment, I felt put together again and forgot that I was so broken.

A friend I have worked with for years is now working in the school next to mine and every so often I see her in the morning before class begins.  She's a full body hugger - she comes in and holds you tight - almost like getting your spine lined up by a chiropractor.  And when we see each other, she gives me one of those hugs.  Tight and hard and her whole body working to make sure the receiver feels it.  Like she's passing her strength on to you.  And maybe she is - because after, I feel better than I did moments before.

So, where am I going with this?

Your W friends, and honestly, any friend who is dealing with loss, need that feeling of connection.  Understand that we are not only without our person, but we are without all the closeness we had with them.  We are missing that strength we got from them.  So if you see us, and it looks like we are struggling, chances are we are.  So go on and hug us.

We won't say no.