Grey's.

"The right way to grieve, is however the hell you want."
    -Dr. Meredith Grey

I've been watching a lot of Grey's Anatomy.  I've been devoted to the show since it began and have broken up with it more times than I can count.  I cried over Denny, Mark, Lexie, Doc the dog, Adele, the two characters who were connected by a metal rod, multiple other characters, and, of course, Derrick.  I started rewatching (again) last summer.  Sean sat in on a few episodes and had more than a few things to say.

(regarding Meredith): "Her voice is pretty whiney".
(regarding Izzy): "Nah.  She's just way to annoying."
(regarding Derrick): "It's not fair that he has a perfect face AND perfect hair."
(regarding Miranda): "Ugh - thi..." (and he was promptly shut down because no one speaks badly about Dr. Miranda Bailey.)

When he died, we were at the episode before the episode where Denny died.  I waited over a month before I was ready to go back and watch.  And I did. And I watched him die.  And Lexie.  And Mark.  And Derrick.  And each death hit me very differently than they did when I watched the episodes before Sean died.

My therapist said that it may be cathartic to watch the show because it helps me cry.

(I was unaware I needed help crying, but there you go.)

But in a way, it has helped.  It helps to get those emotions out instead of stuffing them down inside.

Grieving is a difficult thing to explain. We grieve for different reasons, for different losses.  Years ago when David Bowie died, I read an article about why we (the common folk) grieve so much over the loss of an actor or musician, and, according to the author, it's because they helped us to discover who we are as we grow up.  So we grieve for rockstars, we grieve for pets, we grieve for family members.  To grieve, means you have had love.

And then there's the grieving for a spouse.  And it's a twofold thing.

We grieve the loss of them, but we also grieve the loss of who we were with them.

The widow groups on social media that I've joined, all have opinions.  Lots of them.

Opinions on wedding rings and when they should be removed.
Opinions on vacations and traveling.
Opinions on moving.
Opinions on removing clothes or belongings.
Opinions on redecorating.
Opinions on dating again.

Opinions on how you should grieve.

Everyone has one, and, as I've noticed and been the recipient of, if you have a different opinion, you are wrong and (obviously) don't love your dead husband as much as they love theirs  

Some of us cry a lot.  Some of us scream and throw things.  Some of us shut down and forget how to or refuse to function.  Some of us throw things out and buy new.  Some of us ignore that feeling of dread and just smile and go about our day.  Some of us laugh.  Some of us don't.

A friend of mine told me at the beginning that "you are entitled to feel exactly as you feel".  Grieving is the same.  There's no right or wrong.  It's yours and it's personal and it's whatever you need to do to survive and feel again.  Some people will never feel that "normal" again.  

Me?  I know I won't ever feel the same as I did on September 17th, 2023, but I also refuse to live the rest of my life in darkness.  That's not who I am.  That's not what Sean would want, either.

You can take off your wedding rings if you need or want to.
You can travel on your own or with friends.
You can move out of your home, or stay where you are.
You can go through clothes and donate what you want because it's too hard to see them. 
You can get rid of your bedroom furniture and buy something that you love.
You can date whenever you feel it's time - whether it's months or years after they are gone.

You can grieve, as Meredith Grey said, however the hell you want.

And she would know. 
She's done it. A lot.

And lately, she is my spirit animal.