56.

"To live in hearts we leave behind is not to die." 

- Thomas Campbell

Sean would have been 56 today.

His second birthday that he's not here for.

It sucks.

I've said how personal anniversaries aren't as difficult as days like Christmas and Valentine's Day because those days aren't vomited all over the internet and on TV commercials.

It's a lie, though,  It's actually harder because they're more personal and more private, and, well, just more.

This week I scheduled a pick up from the Veterans to take more of Sean's clothes, some of my clothes, and some household things that I've been not using and storing in the basement.  (And if anyone is wondering how many black, white and grey V- neck tee shirts a man can own, the number is 17.)

Yesterday I was in one of my hyper-overdrive rearranging modes.  I hired people to come and rehang the tv onto the wall I wanted it on when we moved in 2 and a half years ago.  The day it was hung, I was out and Sean decided a different wall.  I've never liked it there.  It took me a year and a half to get it together to do what I wanted.

With that, came me, in a whirlwind, moving couches, rugs, and about 200 albums to get the living room the way I want it.

All I want now is a new couch. But that means another new thing that Sean won't sit on with me.

I've been in one of those funk moods this week.  Knowing his birthday was coming just made it difficult to get out of bed and shower and go through my day.  Because, like last year's birthday, it's on a weekend - so I'll be here alone (with Lexi, of course) but I won't have the distraction of being at work.  Last year I spent the day reminiscing about all of his birthdays we were lucky to celebrate together.  There were tears, and laughter and smiles and Lexi got a lot of snuggles - whether she wanted them or not.

It's not that I have to be alone - I can go out, see friends, shop - I can do anything, but I choose to stay home.  maybe it's because I'm worried about those sneaky little emotions will do a number on me in public.  And it's not like that hasn't happened before, either.  I'm a pro at crying in public and always have tissues with me.

I guess I just want that time alone in our home with the memory of him.

Because it's his day.

That's the thing about those days that are private.  It helps keep our people alive in our hearts.

And even though he's not here, sitting in the new living room set up, watching the tv on the wall it should have been on waaaaaay back in August of 2022, wearing one of those 17 tee shirts, he lives in my heart.  I think of this song a lot when I have my moments. It’s one of those sweetly sad songs. 

But it fits. And it helps. 

https://youtu.be/RMTKb-pgxGI?si=8OxNAcyaYOLDlxBl

Especially on his 56th birthday.

Happy birthday, my love.

You are missed every day.