Dress.

I put on my wedding dress tonight.

My sister is the principal at our high school and the musical is Mamma Mia.  A few weeks ago she asked me if they could use my wedding dress in the show.  I haven't seen Mamma Mia, but I know the story.  Apparently they needed  "beachy" type dress and my dress fits the bill.

At first I said no, but after thinking about it for a quite a while, I decided that they could use it.  I mean, what and when will I need it for again?  I have no kids, so there's no daughter who will want to wear it someday and I won't make it into a christening gown or anything like that.

So the Mamma Mia theater kids will be the recipients of it. 

I'm dropping it off tomorrow, so tonight, I went up to the attic and took it out of the bag where it's been since the wee hours of October 20th, 2019 when I took it off and zipped it into that black Banana Republic bag (that I had to borrow from Sean, since, leading up to the wedding, it was in a clear bag from David's Bridal and was stashed in the closet in our basement. (Sean was under strict instructions to not peek.)

I brought it down to my bedroom and hung it up so I could see it again.  

And there it was.  

My dress, veil and belt that I wore on that incredibly special day.  The dress that I found after trying on multiple dresses that made me cringe, made my bridesmaids laugh, and one that made my Aunt Kathy say "oh God no! Take that one off!!"  This one was taken off the sale rack and, as soon as it went over my head, I just knew.  And when I walked out of the dressing room, the look on my sister's face, the look on my bridesmaids faces, and the fact that Aunt Kathy burst into tears, sealed the deal.  It was the one.  

Just like Sean was the one.

Of course I had to try it on to see if it still fit me.

It did.

And once the dress was on, I had to tie the belt and put on the veil.

It still smelled very faintly of my perfume that I wore that day.

Fresh Cream by Philosophy.  The perfume I wore on our first date that, when Sean hugged me goodbye, caused him to say "you smell good".

Lexi sat in her Lambchop bed and watched the teary fashion show.

Because as I placed my veil in my hair, it hit me like a sack of potatoes to the face, that today is 18 months since my world was rocked in the very worst way.

Well, fuck a doodle doo.

So, I cried.  I looked at myself in the mirror, wearing my wedding dress, and cried.

I cried the last time I wore it, but for completely different reasons.

I cried because my husband looked at me like I was the most beautiful girl in the world.  

I cried because I had so much love in my heart that the only possible thing to do was let it spill out of my eyes.

I cried because everything I wanted in life, was standing in front of me, smiling, and we had the rest of our lives to celebrate that happiness.

Tonight I cried thinking of all that.

Thinking of the last 18 months without him.

Thinking of everything that has changed in that time.

But then, as I blew my messy nose and wiped away my racoon eyes, I smiled.  

Because I knew that, until his last breath, he felt all those things that I remembered about the day we said "I do".

I smiled because I know how proud he would be of me, and how, even though I have my moments, I have come so far from that awful Monday.

I smiled because he knows that I am working so hard to go forward with my life.

I smiled because I know that no matter what happens in my future, I will always have those incredible memories of wearing that dress and becoming his wife as part of my past.

And I will smile, probably with a few tears, when I see my dress on stage.

But just a few.

Because you can't cry too much when Abba is the soundtrack.