Wanderlust.

Wanderlust: (noun)

A strong longing for or impulse towards wandering.

I've always had love affair with words.  When I was 14 I saw the movie Say Anything...and Diane Court (on of the main characters) had a dictionary from childhood and she would mark all the words she looked up in it.  I decided that was a fantastic idea and got my own (albeit smaller) dictionary and began doing the same thing.  I had that dictionary throughout high school and college and it sat on every desk I worked behind until 2 years ago when it fell into my garbage can after I left my classroom.  I was more than a little sad by that, but bought a new one and started again.

But words - I've always loved discovering new ones.

Wanderlust is one of my favorites.

The other is Serendipity (in case you were wondering.)

Lately I've been in one of those funks.  I even questioned if it was a midlife crisis or just your run of the mill mild depressive state that I'm prone to having.  

I've been thinking about purpose. I was in the same mindset around this time last year, too.  

So, here we go again. 

What is mine?

My career purpose is to teach little people reading (although, I still am pushing for the 6-12 grade levels to just be called the English Department), but as part of my "purpose" I try to instill a love of reading, books and words to my students.  Sometimes I'm successful, other times it's a crash and burn.

(Full disclosure - I was only going to teach until I figured out what I really wanted to do with my life.  I'm now 5 years from retirement - still trying to figure it out, I guess.)

But aside from that - what is my purpose?

I'm a sister and daughter and niece and cousin and friend.  And I'm not too bad in those roles.

I'm no longer a wife.  I was good at that.

I'm not a mom - unless you consider catering to the needs of my 17 year old pup - which, in it's own way is mothering, but, as far as my own little people, well, there's none.

So, what does one do when her purpose is so unclear - at least to her?

Summers are hard.  

I work summer school now.  It's extra money and helps to occupy my days.  But summers used to be about adventures.  We would just wake up and go somewhere.  Now, I don't.  Although I did take a mini adventure the other day.  I went to two different Italian markets and spent way too much money and now have a ridiculous amount of chicken cutlet sangwiches (not a misspell, by the way)  in my fridge that will most likely go bad before I can eat all of them.  Things like this weren't uncommon.  Sean would wake me up and tell me we needed to go find the best pickle and we would get in the car, map out farmer's markets and flea markets and eat way too many pickles before deciding which one was the best.  (We also did that once with donuts - I enjoyed that adventure better than the pickle one.)

But now, I don't do that.  

I could - I could reach out to any of my friends and I know they would adventure with me, but I don't.  And part me doesn't know why I don't.

But I do know I have a case of wanderlust - the other night I described it as "wanderlust with nowhere in mind".  That's what life feels like right now.  There are days I want to just pack a bag and grab the pup and get in the Black Pearl (the name I gave my car) and just drive.  Not sure where to, but maybe I'll figure out when I'm there.  But I don't do that.  

People tell me I'm strong.  And sometimes I am, because that's the only option.  But sometimes when I hear that I want to tell them "but I'm really not.  There are days that just fucking suck dirty donkey dick and I want to throw shit and scream and sit on the floor and eat a pint of ice cream while ugly crying because this IS NOT WHAT MY LIFE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE.  And it's not fair."

(And I hear that little voice that sounds a lot like Obi Wan Kermit in the meme telling me that "life isn't always fair" and I want to take a shotgun and blow little Obi Wan Kermit away.  But I can't.  Because I love the Muppets.  And I don't have a shotgun, so there's that.)

So what does one do?

How does a person stop that freefall, no purpose feeling?

There is only so much shit a person can buy to try and fill that empty feeling, and, honestly, all it does is fill up the house with crap you don't really need and empty your wallet.  So, not a good idea.

There's food - but, I've worked too hard to get my big fat self into size 28 Levi's - so I'm not going to screw that up, although the chicken cutlets, and ice cream don't always factor in to that decision.

There's medication and therapy - and I've had both to help me with this - the therapy is good - those pills - eh.  Not that there's anything wrong with medical help.  It's got it's purpose and has been helpful to me in the past.  But for some reason I need to feel my way through all this. 

All the hits and hurts and victories - no matter how large or small they might be.

So, what one does, at least I am learning, is to just keep moving forward.  

Going back is not an option.

Setbacks are ok.

Ice cream on the kitchen floor is ok.

Screaming it's not fair is ok.

Wanderlust without a destination is ok.

Because it's not always going to be like that.

The setbacks will slow down.

The ice cream on the floor will be moved to a cone on the couch when needed.

The screaming will stop.

The wanderlust will find a place to go.

And, hopefully, my purpose will be rediscovered.

It has to, because, as I've been told, I'm strong.